Scared… and Prepared to Lose My Heart

I’m scared.  Freaked out.  Questioning my sanity.

How does a person prepare for a trip to the other side of the world?  How to know what to take?  What to leave?  What is essential?  What is luxury?  How to leave my luxury at home to make room for a few trinkets for them?  I want to take them luxury, but how do I know what that is, me with no wants, much less needs.

We push carts full of games and toys, toothbrushes and toothpaste and goodies for 50+ children that I already know will wrap us and our hearts around their little fingers.  We wander up and down aisles packed with all manner of choice novelties, examining and agonizing over each item wondering if this one is a yes, or not.  Chess?  Uno?  Bubbles?  Snacks?  All of these?  Maybe.  None of these?  Nope.  What if they don’t like what we bring?  Hello, of course they’ll like it.  What if we’re insensitive and naive and bring something that offends?  Yes, this is quite possible.  What if…  And the questions run a marathon in my head.

We don’t know how many girls, how many boys or what ages they are.  We don’t know if they’re tall or short, shy or outgoing, funny or serious.  We just know that we have a lot of love to give and a few little trinkets to make them feel extra special.  But then again, isn’t it the loving that ought to make them feel the most special, the most loved, the most precious?  Isn’t love the gift we can give that is straight from our heart to theirs, the most luxurious commodity on earth?

The looking them in the eye and seeing Jesus, and them looking into our eyes and seeing Jesus.  How to reflect Him?  How to be Jesus to the fatherless?   I think I don’t know how this is done.  I think I need someone to do this for me.  I remember the promise that He will do the work through me, for me, in me.  It’s not me, but Him.  And I am reminded that He did not come to bring us “stuff”, but He came and gave Himself.

Am I ready to leave part of myself in another part of this globe?  Am I ready to give something costly – all of myself and pure, no-holds-barred love that twists my heart right around those little fingers and leaves me breathless and gasping for more of Him so I can give even more of me to them?

Somehow I think one can never fully prepare for these things.  It’s the kind of thing where we finally say “Let’s do this” whether or not we are ready.

Scared… because I am weak.

Freaked out… because I take my eyes off of Him.

Insane?  No, because He is strong!

And in His love we find there is no fear.


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