The lump in my throat makes it hard to swallow and there is a tightening in my chest that feels like my heart is being squeezed and turned upside down. The deep-breathing techniques help the anxiety and the palpitations a little bit. Staying focused (sometimes with the help of caffeine, I confess) helps the endless list look a bit less daunting and crossing things off with a Sharpie in big bold lines helps too. My brain is going in circles at a breakneck rate of speed and it feels like a crash is imminent.
I catch myself walking in a dreamworld in the middle of packing for this trip and tying up a few of the loose ends at the house – because I know that not all of them will get done, we pick the important ones – and nothing seems real. But then I realize that it is real and tomorrow we fly and what’s done is done and the rest, well it must not have been important, really. And I pray that God will cover with His grace all the things left undone.
Yes, there will be tasks left undone, but even more than that, I myself am undone. And I pray that God’s grace covers there too. I am undone in that God is not finished with me yet. I am undone in that this life is not my own and I have lost it afresh to the Fantastic Reality that is His Grace and it changes everything. How is it that something so mind-boggling and glorious can be True and Real?
And I find it is in humbling myself to Grace and resting in the Sovereignty of an Almighty God, this is where the antidote for anxiety and stress is found. Stress is really saying I don’t trust and that I have to be the one making sure everything happens according to plan.
So today I trust. Today I rest. I do what God gives me the strength to do. And I leave the rest. His grace covers all.